Be There
by cpdfan4
Summary: I don't even know how to summarize this, so let's just say it's a one-shot post 5x07 in a more ideal world. Haven't watched a single PD ep this season so I can't promise much accuracy, but it's Linstead so give it a read & review? xo
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Hi! I honestly don't know what this is. I just missed writing Linstead so damn much, but don't have the motivation (or inspiration) to write fluff. So this one shot happened and I'm not too impressed, but I had to get something out. I haven't watched a single PD ep this season, so apologies that some of this may not be completely accurate. But from what I've heard, this is what would happen after last week's episode in a perfect world. Happy reading! And happy Thanksgiving :)_

 _xo_

Erin sighed loudly as she rolled over in bed for what felt like the millionth time. She was bone tired and after finally wrapping up what was arguably her hardest case since moving to New York, but for some reason, her body just would not fall asleep. She couldn't shake the feeling that something was very, very wrong but she didn't possibly know what it could be. Erin combed over the minimal free time she'd had over the past few days in her mind again, blocking out the majority of her thoughts about the sickening pedophilia ring she'd just busted with the FBI, to try and figure out the cause of the growing pit in her stomach. She'd been stressing about the fact that Thanksgiving was in three days and for the first time in her life, she'd be spending the holiday alone. She still hadn't gotten close enough with any of her coworkers in the city to be invited to their family celebrations, Liv and Noah were traveling to Connecticut to meet some family, she didn't have any other friends in New York, and she hadn't heard from Olive about her plans with Daniel, nor had Hank contacted her with an invite to come home for the long weekend.

 _Home._ Erin sighed again at the thought of that word. She missed Chicago, and Hank, and Intelligence, and her team. Her friends. Jay. She really fucking missed Jay, not that she let herself think about it much. As soon as his name entered her brain, she blindly reached for her cellphone off of her nightstand to distract herself with something else. Anything else. She hit the home button and her breath caught in her throat when her phone lit up and she saw the date. The sinking feeling in her stomach suddenly made sense. _Monday, November 20._ The clock had recently struck midnight, and it was now exactly six months since the last day she saw Jay Halstead. One hundred eighty days since she looked into those blue eyes made her heart stop. Four thousand three hundred and twenty hours since she'd heard his laugh, the sound that always was, and always would be, her favorite. Over two hundred and fifty thousand minutes since she'd heard his voice. Over _one million_ seconds since his name had popped up on her phone screen that night. That fucking night, that she regrets more than anything in this entire world.

As if on cue, her phone began to vibrate in her hand, and Erin's heart just about stopped. She didn't know who was calling her past midnight, but she knew it wasn't good. Taking a deep breath, she glanced back down at the caller ID.

 _Hailey Upton,_ her screen flashed. What the fuck.

Erin's hand was so shaky that it took her a few rings to finally slide to unlock her phone, and when she finally brought the device to her ear she wasn't sure her vocal cords were going to work.

"Hello?" She whispered shakily. "Upton?"

"Erin," Hailey breathed a sigh of relief into the phone. "Thank god you answered."

"Upton, what the fuck is wrong?" Erin snapped, already out of bed and pacing around her dark room.

"It's Jay," her replacement said quickly. "I don't know what to do. I didn't know who to call,"

"What about Jay? Did he get shot? Is he-?" Erin's voice cracked as she said her ex-partner's name, her mind already fearing the worst. He could not be dead. She would never forgive herself. She didn't even say _goodbye._

"No! God, no, Erin," Upton said quickly, realizing she had to get on with it. "He's fine. Physically anyway. Mentally… Erin, I don't know what to do," she repeated.

"What happened? And what am I supposed to do about it?" Erin felt a wave of relief knowing Jay was still breathing, but was currently feeling every emotion possible. Guilt and regret, though – those were the strongest.

"Do you know anything about what's gone on here in the past month?" Hailey said weakly. "It's been one thing after another. He can't catch a break. He's mourning you. He's mourning our cases. He was just undercover, Erin, and I'm honestly shocked he came out alive. I've never seen anyone as broken as I saw him tonight. I don't even know where, or how, to begin to explain, but I'm so afraid for him. I think tonight was the just beginning of a really awful spiral," Jay's new partner's voice broke midway through her explanation, and that's all Erin needed to hear for the tears that she'd been holding back to flow freely.

"I…" Erin hiccupped. "I had no idea. I haven't talked to Hank in months, and every damn night all I want to do is pick up the phone and call Jay, but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe if I had-"

"Erin," Hailey's voice was stronger now. "Now is not the time to think about what-ifs. Please tell me what to do. How to get through to him. I asked everyone on the team tonight what the hell I should be doing right now, and not only does no one know, but every single person told me to get in touch with you. Even Voight."

Erin began crying even harder. "He's," she stopped to catch her breath. "He's at the dive bar on the corner of Michigan and Hubbard right now. I promise. Please go to him, Upton, he can't be alone right now," she begged.

"How do you know?" Hailey asked, and Erin could hear her already speed-walking.

"I just do," Erin choked out. "Please just get him somewhere safe for the night,"

"I'm on my way," Upton promised. "But this isn't going to magically be better overnight, Erin! What do I do in the morning, when he wakes up hungover – if he can even fall asleep - and crying over the 8-year-old girl he killed, or his nightmares that came back again, or everything that happened when he was just undercover? I don't know what to do. I haven't known what to do for _months_ , Erin. Everyone keeps saying that this wouldn't be happening if you were here. Do you know what a shitty partner that makes me feel like? That every damn day I see my partner struggling to keep his head above water and I can't even offer him a damn life jacket, but every time I turn my head it seems like someone is talking about what you would do! How you handled him so easily!"

Erin was inconsolable at this point as she dug through her closet to find her suitcase. "I don't even know what to say right now, Hailey. Please just get him home safe. Don't let him be alone tonight, and I'll be in Chicago in the morning."

"W-what?" Hailey gasped. "You're coming to Chicago?"

"If Jay needs me, yes. I couldn't even begin to explain to you how to get through to him. I don't even know if I know how anymore, or if I'll be able to figure it out. But what I do know," Erin sniffled again before finally finding her voice, "is that I love him. I never stopped loving him, and at this point I don't think I'm ever going to stop. And he's been there for me and saved me from more downward spirals than I can count, and it's my turn. He might not even want to see me when I get there, and it very well might be up to you to pull him out of this. But damn it, Hailey, I will never forgive myself if I don't come home and try to help him right now,"

"Okay," Upton nodded as if Erin could see her. "Okay. I just got to the bar so… I'm going to pray to God he's inside."

"Please keep me updated," Erin said softly as she threw random clothes into her bag.

"Of course," Hailey took a deep breath. "Thank you, Erin. Have a safe flight."

"Thank you for calling me. I guess I'll see you tomorrow," Erin sighed as she brought the phone down from her ear and threw it into the middle of her bed, using her free hands to zip up her suitcase.

She threw on a pair of leggings and the first hoodie she could find, which of course happened to be one of Jay's that she'd stolen months ago, back when everything was okay, and hadn't been able to leave Chicago without. She glanced in the mirror, noting her puffy eyes and extreme bedhead, but couldn't bring herself to fix either in her rush to get to the airport. Erin picked up her suitcase and phone off of her bed, slipped a pair of running sneakers onto her feet, then ran out of her bedroom and into the kitchen where grabbed her purse and keys off of her counter before running out the door. Even though it was now nearing 1 am, New York really was the city that never sleeps, and luckily there was a taxi right outside of Erin's building.

"LaGuardia," Erin ordered the second she opened the door, throwing her suitcase and purse onto the seat before sliding into the car.

The driver nodded and drove off as Erin felt her phone vibrate in her sweatshirt pocket.

 _Got him. Driving him back to my place now._

Tears trickled down Erin's cheeks as she read Hailey's message. Tears of relief, that he was safe. Tears of guilt, for contributing to the circumstances that landed him in that shitty bar in the first place. Tears of fear, for whatever the fuck was going to happen when she got to Chicago.

Despite the city's livelihood, there was minimal traffic at this hour and Erin's cab pulled into the drop off lane at LaGaurdia Airport 25 minutes later. "Thank you," she mumbled, throwing a wad of cash into the driver's hand before nearly sprinting out of the car and through the airport doors.

"Hi," Erin paused to catch her breath as she approached the desk agent. "I need the first available ticket to O'Hare."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Six and a half hours later, Erin Lindsay was back in Chicago. She impatiently sat at the gate at O'Hare waiting for the pilot to let them off the plane, she realized that she should probably let her boss know that she wasn't going to be in work today. Or any day until after Thanksgiving, for that matter. She knew that there was a 98% chance Jay was going to slam the door in her face the second he saw her, but she'd be damned if she gave up on him this time around.

She typed out a short message to her new boss telling him she had a family emergency in Chicago and had to fly into the city immediately. Professionalism be damned, she thought. At this moment in time, being fired was the least of her worries. She actually only had one worry right now. Only one thing mattered. One person.

The plane finally began to unload and Erin grabbed her suitcase and purse from the overhead compartment, thankful she didn't have to waste any time waiting at baggage claim. She ordered an Uber to Upton's apartment the second she was off the plane, tears filling her eyes at the familiarity of the airport she was walking through. Despite her nostalgia, she nearly sprinted through the building. The second she got into the car, she clicked on Upton's contact and brought her phone to her ear.

"Hey," Hailey answered quietly. "I just dropped him home,"

Erin was surprised that Jay had been up and moving that early, but also thankful that his new partner wouldn't be around to witness her homecoming. "Where is 'home'?" Erin's heart broke as she had to ask that question.

"Oh, um… your old place," Upton said quietly.

Tears filled Erin's eyes at Upton's admission. "Hold on," she choked out, before bringing the phone away from her ear and leaning up to the driver's seat. "Can you change the destination?" The older man nodded, and Erin gave him her old address.

"Thanks," Erin replaced the phone near her mouth. "And I mean for everything, Hailey. I'm really glad he's had you these past few months,"

"I don't think I was much help, I mean-"

"No, Hailey. I promise you were. Thank you," Erin hung up the phone quickly as tears cascaded down her face once again. She looked out the window, and the familiar buildings whizzing by did nothing to calm her waterworks.

After what felt like forever, Erin's Uber arrived in front of her old apartment. Even though it had been the longest car ride of her life, she had absolutely no idea what she was going to say. Or how Jay was even going to react to seeing her face. He might not even give her a chance to say a word.

"Thank you," Erin rasped to the driver as she collected her bags and made her way into the building she thought she'd never step foot into again. Muscle memory led her up two flights of stairs, and before she knew it she was standing in front of door 310.

She took a deep breath before lifting her free hand and knocking gently on the white door.

"Upton, Will, whoever the fuck you are, leave me alone!" her ex-partner's broken rang out, and if Erin's heart wasn't already shattered, it was now. She knocked again, not trusting her voice.

"I swear-" Jay's voice got louder and Erin held her breath as she saw the door handle moving.

A second later, door was open and the two ex-partners were standing face to face for the first time in six months. Time froze as Erin took in Jay's pale face, puffy eyes, and thinning body. Without even thinking, she pushed her way into the apartment and dropped her bags into the middle of the floor and immediately threw her hands around Jay's neck, engulfing him in a hug. He didn't fight it, and within seconds Erin felt his hot tears on her neck.

"Hey," she whispered, her own voice nearly lost in her own tears. She brought one hand up to the nape of his neck, while the other hand began to rub up and down his back. "It's okay."

It was silent for a long time, aside for both of their cries. At some point, Jay's arms encased her, and Erin wasn't sure how long she stood there rubbing his back as his tears soaked her shirt, but she never wanted it to end. He was so vulnerable in this moment and Erin felt like she was actually able to protect him from the world, and it was all she wanted to do. She knew the second he pulled away, he might very well scream and punch a wall and kick her out.

Eventually the tears stopped, and Erin knew that words were finally coming. She pressed a kiss to Jay's cheek before pulling back to meet his eyes again. She stayed silent, willing him to speak first and lead where this conversation was going to go.

She expected anger, and yelling, and blame. She was ready for screams and banging and everything that she deserved. She didn't get that, and her heart almost stopped when she heard his first words.

"I needed you," he whispered hoarsely, causing a new batch of tears to spill out of her eyes. "I needed you so bad, Erin, and you weren't there."

"I am so sorry," she choked out. "I am so, so sorry. What happened?"

"Everything," Jay said weakly. Realizing they were still standing near the doorway, he turned to walk to the couch, willing Erin to follow, and she did.

Sitting down on the couch next to him, Erin took a deep breath and wiped her eyes "Talk to me," she said gently.

Jay sighed. He'd imagined this moment; he'd pictured her coming back to Chicago so many times. Every time he thought about it, he imagined it going differently. Sometimes he yelled at her. He told her how fucked up it was that she left without so much as a goodbye, and he told her about his mother's ring, and that all she ever did was run from her problems. Sometimes he was just so damn happy to see her face again. He told her how much he missed her, and how much he still loved her, and how everything was so damn wrong without her. Sometimes he was relieved. Sometimes he was terrified. And this time? Now that it was actually happening? His mind was racing. He was pissed, that she just showed up here and barged back in and thought she had the right to know what was going on in his life. He was thankful to see her face and be in her embrace and feel like for the first time in over six months, something was going right. He was confused about how she got here and how she knew he needed her.

"You left," he whispered.

Erin nodded. "It's the biggest regret of my life,"

"Why did you leave, Erin? I was trying to get better for you, and I was going to come home. I was trying so hard. I know I should have told you about Abby and the nightmares and-"

"Jay," Erin said, her voice firmer than it had been all morning. "Do not put this on you. I did not leave because of you. You were the only thing keeping me here. I was in love with you, Jay. I still am in love with you, and leaving was the biggest mistake of my life. I…I put my mom before myself, again, and look where it got me. There's your answer. I left to help Bunny. Hank made a deal with the FBI. I work for them in New York, they let her go. None of it was your fault, you have to believe that,"

"Er," Jay's head began to spin at the new information, but Erin interrupted him before he could speak again.

"No more about me. At least not right now. Please tell me what's wrong, Jay," Against her better judgment, Erin moved closer on the couch and placed a hand on his arm.

"Everything," he repeated. "I shot a little girl, Erin. I _killed_ an innocent, eight year old child. And it just brought me right fucking back there. And now I'm stuck there. I can't close my fucking eyes anymore. I thought it was bad when Abby came back? That was _nothing_ compared to this. And even though I didn't show it, I knew that I had you to turn to if I needed to. But now? I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't _want_ to do it anymore."

"I'm so sorry," Erin repeated for what felt like the hundredth time that morning. Her thoughts flashed back to the boy she'd shot months ago, and how his face haunted her dreams for weeks. Jay had been the only thing that got her through that, and she wasn't there to do the same for him. "You're not there. You are here, and you are doing so much good for so many people. You keep this city safe and you save so many lives daily, Jay. There are so many people who are so thankful for you, and so proud of you."

"It doesn't feel that way," Jay shook his head. "If I didn't do this, that girl would still be alive. Her mom would get to see her fall in love, and go to prom, and graduate high school,"

"Hey," Erin squeezed his arm. "You can't think like that. If you weren't here, how many criminals would still be out there? How many innocent people would have died at the hands of the awful people you've taken off the streets?"

"I don't know what to do anymore, Er," Jay made eye contact with her for the first time since their serious talk had begun.

"When's the last time you slept?" Erin asked, getting the idea that he was done talking. She had never seen eyes so bloodshot, or bags as big as the ones under Jay's eyes.

"I don't know," he answered honestly.

"Come on," she said softly, standing up and reaching for Jay's hand. She led him through the familiar apartment with ease, pretending not to notice how everything was so different, but also the same as it was six months ago. They entered the bedroom and Erin wasn't surprised to see the bed neatly made, despite everything. "Lay down," she instructed.

Jay obliged, pulling the covers back and getting in on the left side of the bed, the side that had always been _his side._ Erin followed him to the side, pulling the blanket back up over him and leaning down to press her lips to his forehead, even though she knew she shouldn't. As she turned to walk out of the room, he reached out and grabbed her wrist.

"Stay in here. Please," Jay wasn't above begging. He still didn't know what his emotions towards Erin were at this moment, but he knew that he had never slept as well as he did with that girl beside him.

Erin nodded immediately, walking around to the other side of the bed and slipping her sneakers off before crawling under the covers. Like a magnet, her body curled into Jay's as his head fell into the crook of her neck and she began her ministrations on his back again.

"Go to sleep," she murmured into his ear. "I got you,"

At the sound of her saying those three words he never thought he'd hear again, Jay drifted off to his first dreamless sleep in as long as he could remember. For the first time in over six months, he knew Erin Lindsay would be there when he woke up. He didn't know what would happen after that, but he knew she would be there. And that was enough for now.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thank you again for all of the sweet reviews and feedback on this story. It was originally going to be a one-shot, but because all of your feedback made me smile so much I spent my day banging out a part two. This is it for real though, so I hope you guys enjoy! Keep on reviewing, please, it makes me the happiest :)_

 _xo_

For the first time in months, Jay woke up without a tightness in his chest, or a pounding headache, or a layer of sweat covering his forehead. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this light, or carefree, or even had an inkling of belief that everything was actually going to be okay. As soon as he opened his eyes, he remembered why. Erin was lying next to him, nearly on top of him, with her arms around him, like she was trying to protect him from the world. He let out a small chuckle at the thought – his first laugh in as long as he could remember – that this tiny, 5 foot 3 inch, beautiful little human was his rock, despite it all, and she was so much stronger than he would ever be.

The rumbling of his chest must have woken her up, because a few seconds later he heard her raspy voice. "You're staring," she whispered, her eyes still tightly closed as she began to tease a hand through his hair.

"You're here," Jay said simply, not denying her claim.

At his words, Erin opened her eyes and unwrapped herself from around him and he immediately missed the warmth, comfort, and safety that her strong arms provided. She rolled over and propped herself up on her elbows, meeting Jay's eyes. "And I'll be here. As long as you need me."

Despite her words, the sinking feeling in Jay's chest came back. Because he knew he needed her _forever,_ and something told him that wasn't what she meant.

Erin picked up on his thoughts the moment darkness re-entered his eyes and she immediately shot a hand out and squeezed his arm. "Hey," she said softly. "I _mean_ it,"

Jay bit his tongue before he could let out a bitter laugh and just nodded, not saying a word.

Erin sighed as she sat up. "I texted Hank after you fell asleep to let him know I was in town. He said to tell you that you're off for the rest of the week, until after Thanksgiving," she said softly, her hand still over his bicep.

"What? Erin, no," Jay sat up hastily, causing her hand to fall from his arm. "I _need_ to work. I can't just sit around here all day with my thoughts. What am I supposed to do? No, Er-"

"Jay," Erin interrupted. "You're not going to be alone with your thoughts. I'm going to be here. We have a lot of catching up to do. I know I fucked up, and I shouldn't have left, and I have no right to be walking back in here demanding you share your feelings with me. But I want to hear about the last six months, Jay. I want to know everything about what I missed, because missing it is the biggest regret of my life," she sighed as her eyes filled with tears once again.

Jay sighed too. He just wanted to be mad at her. That would make this whole thing so much easier. _Why wasn't he mad at her?_ As he was once again lost in his thoughts, Erin spoke up again.

"Look, I know this – me coming back here - is a lot to take in. I promised Voight I'd swing by his place to see him today, but other than that I'm all yours. So I'm going to go do that, and give you some time to think, then I'll be back. Unless you want me to get out of here. And Jay, I would completely understand that. As much as I want to be here, I don't deserve to be, and you can tell me to get lost-"

"Hey," it was Jay's turn to interrupt this time. "Yeah, I'm hurt, and confused, and would like a little more of an explanation about how you literally disappeared six months ago without even saying goodbye, but I'm so fucking happy to see you, Erin. I've thought about this scenario every damn day for the last six months. You've been here for," Jay paused to look at the clock on the nightstand, "six hours, and I already feel more relaxed than I have in months. Please don't leave, Er,"

The tears fell down Erin's cheeks at his confession. "I'm not. I told you, I am not leaving if you don't want me to. You're calling the shots here, Jay. It's whatever you need."

"Come here," Jay murmured, opening his arms. Erin crawled across the bed and fell into his embrace, squeezing him tight. "Thank you," he whispered into her hair.

"Don't thank me," Erin shook her head as she laid it in the crook of his neck. "Please don't thank me,"

Eventually Erin was able to pry herself from his embrace to make the trip to Voight's house. She had mixed feelings as her cab pulled up to the house that she'd basically grown up in. On one hand, she was excited to see Hank. This was the longest she'd gone without seeing him since he took her in all those years ago. She was grateful towards him for so many reasons, from saving her life, to offering her a job in IU where she met Jay, to using his connections with the FBI to get her the job in New York after she'd worn out her welcome in Chicago. But on the other hand, she was pissed. It was because of him and those connections that she'd ended up in New York, 800 miles away from Jay Halstead. If he would have just stayed out of it after she lost her badge, she would have just found something else to do in Chicago. She didn't _need_ to be a detective. Hell, she probably would've been happy working at McDonald's as long as she was still in the same city as Jay. Erin sighed as she thanked her driver and got out of the car and made her way up the familiar driveway.

She knocked on the door twice, having forgotten her key ring with the Voight house key in her haste to get out of New York and to her partner. Hank was at the door within seconds, pulling her into his embrace.

"Hey, kid. I've missed you," he said gruffly once he pulled back.

"I missed you too," she said with a smile, following him down the hallway into the kitchen, where her father figure already had two steaming cups of coffee waiting in the middle of the kitchen table.

"How is he?" Hank asked once they sat down, both of them occupying the same seats they always had when Erin was growing up.

Erin just shook her head. "I've never seen him so torn up, Hank. I don't know what to do. And I feel like it's not my place anymore-"

"Erin," Hank interrupted her. "It's always been your place. That will never change. That man needs you,"

"Exactly," Erin's voice broke. "He needed me, and I just left!"

"You did what you had to do," Hank said, taking a sip of his coffee.

"No," Erin shook her head. "What I _had to do_ was be there for him. I didn't need to join the damn FBI, Hank! I didn't need to protect Bunny! He's been going through hell the past six months and I had no idea! I promised him that no matter what happened between us, I would always have his back, and I broke that promise!"

"Calm down, kid," Voight shook his head.

Erin continued to shake her head as she picked up her phone to order a cab. "I can't. I can't sit here and listen to you tell me that work is more important than the man I love." She stood up and placed her still full coffee mug in the sink before turning to walk to the door. "I have to go."

Hank sighed. "Erin,"

"No," Erin repeated. "Do not tell me-"

"Erin," Hank said again. "I know you're going to be here a while. The unit is coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. Join us. That's all I wanted to say,"

Erin nodded. "Thank you. And thank you for telling Upton to call me."

Hank just nodded back as he followed Erin to the door. "I'll see you on Thursday," he squeezed her shoulder as her cab pulled up out front.

xo

As Erin climbed the stairs up to her old apartment again, she had déjà vu of just eight hours earlier, when she'd felt so terrified and helpless as she walked this exact route. She was so relieved that Jay had let her right back in, even though she didn't deserve it. She sighed when she reached the door and immediately went to pull out her keys, before realizing that she didn't have the key to this door anymore. Erin raised her hand and knocked twice on the door. When a minute had passed and Jay hadn't appeared, nor had she heard a single sound from inside the apartment, she began to panic.

"Jay?" she called through the door, banging on the white wood again. She was just about to break down the door when she heard his voice behind her.

"Er," he said quickly, rushing forward to grab her shoulder and stop her from putting her foot through his door.

"Oh thank god," Erin breathed a sigh of relief as she turned around and steadied herself. "You scared me,"

"Sorry," Jay muttered, reaching around her to unlock the door and let them inside.

"Where were you?" Erin asked as she walked inside, immediately internally scolding herself for demanding that information. She didn't deserve an explanation of his whereabouts.

"I… uh…" Jay stuttered and Erin immediately regretted her question even more.

"You don't have to tell me. It's none of my business," she said quickly, brushing it off as she sat down on the couch.

"No, I…" Jay took a deep breath. "I went to see Dr. Charles. I didn't expect you to be back from Hank's so soon,"

"You what?" Erin couldn't help the smile that broke out onto her face as he sat down next to her. "I'm proud of you,"

"I guess I forgot for a little… for six months to be exact… but seeing you, talking to you, Er, it helped me realize that I need to start fighting. I can't just sit here and let life literally kill me. I need to take an active role again, and try to get better, and start actually trying to stop being so miserable and afraid and… I just want to get better. I finally want to be better."

"Did he help?" Erin asked.

Jay shrugged. "It was a start. There's just so much… it's going to take a long time. I have six months of buried feelings to catch up on, on top of the ten years of nightmares I haven't quite conquered…" Jay sighed in frustration as he dug the heel of his hand into his eyes.

"You can do this," Erin said with so much conviction that for a second, Jay believed it himself. She reached forward to the coffee table and grabbed the TV remote to turn on a rerun of last night's Bears game before scooting closer to Jay. "You are going to do this."

Jay just nodded, his attention now focused on the TV, giving Erin the idea that he'd done enough talking to Dr. Charles this afternoon and didn't want to do any more with her now.

Erin settled back against the couch, her thigh grazing Jay's. They sat there in silence watching the game, even though they both knew the final score and exactly how all of the previous day's points had been scored. Eventually Jay's arm found it's way around Erin shoulders and he pulled her into him and she laid her head on his shoulder as her hand lazily traced patterns on his chest. By halftime, he was sound asleep again. Erin breathed a sigh of relief but didn't dare move, knowing he needed to catch up on as much sleep as was humanly possible.

By the time he woke up, from a peaceful, dreamless sleep once again, it was nearly 8:00 at night. Erin was still curled into his side, and he ran a hand through her hair to alert her of his consciousness.

"How did you sleep?" she murmured, beginning to lightly draw on his chest again.

"Better than I have in a long time," Jay said honestly, tightening his hold around her shoulders.

"Good," Erin said with a smile, even though he couldn't see her face. She was about to say more when her stomach growled loudly, and she realized she hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours.

"Shit, it's late, I'm sorry, Er. You should've woken me if you were hungry," Jay began to apologize.

Erin sat up to meet his eyes. "Don't you dare apologize to me," she shook her head. "You needed sleep."

Jay nodded, not bothering to fight back. "I'll order us a pizza from Pat's,"

Erin smiled. "Extra-"

"Extra cheese and mushrooms, I know, you weirdo," Jay smiled back as he stood up to go find his cell phone. Erin couldn't help but smile even wider at how everything felt almost _normal_ for the first time in as long as she could remember.

They didn't talk about it much that night, and that was okay. They talked about everything else, though. Erin explained the whole Bunny situation, and told Jay about her job in New York. She told him that she still found even their easiest cases more emotionally draining than the hardest ones she worked in IU, and how she's never felt safe during a raid because she doesn't trust her new partner to have her back. She tells him about the weekend she recently spent in Arizona with Olive and Danny, and how much the little boy resembles his late father. Jay told Erin about how Hank's been especially annoying since she left, and how great Burgess was doing upstairs and that she finally moved on from Ruzek. He told her that his brother had finally figured it out with Natalie, and that Owen had called Will 'daddy' a few weeks back. He told her about the last letter he got from Mouse, and that his dad had finally received a clean bill of health from his doctor.

The simplicity of it all took Erin back. Sitting on the couch with Jay, talking about anything and everything – even if it was surface level, fast food boxes between them and sports highlights playing in the background. It took her back years, before they had even gotten together, to when they had first become partners. They had done this all time, and it was always the highlight of Erin's week. Sitting near Jay, just hearing him speak and seeing his smile and even hearing his occasional laugh, provided Erin with a sense of comfort and security she hadn't had in such a long time. She knew that she had to go back to New York eventually, and it was going to hurt like hell, but she was confident that she and Jay could at least be friends when she left this time. She would say goodbye, and keep in touch, and be there for him whenever he needed it.

Before Erin knew it, it was well past midnight, and even though she and Jay had napped for the majority of the day, she was exhausted and she knew Jay was too. "I'm gonna head over to Hotel Monaco, see if they have any rooms open," she thought aloud as she stood up.

"Are you kidding? No, Er, you're staying here," Jay said definitively, standing up and placing his hands on her back, guiding her towards the bedroom.

"Jay…" Erin sighed, knowing they couldn't start going down this slope but unable to deny him anything in this moment.

"Just to sleep, Erin. I won't sleep if I'm alone," While Erin had expected some sexual, sassy, Jay-like remark to her hesitancy, his vulnerability broke her heart a little more.

"Of course," she murmured, walking over to where her suitcase lay on her bed and getting out everything she needed for her bedtime routine.

xo

They didn't leave the house again the following day, spending it talking more and catching up on sleep and ordering Erin all of her favorite takeout that she'd missed. It was a win-win because it was the first day in weeks that Jay had his appetite back.

The next day was Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. They had another lazy morning, but finally feeling more like himself, Jay had somehow convinced Erin to go to the gym with him during the afternoon to work off the previous day's takeout binge. Jay still met with the personal trainer they'd once shared, although she found out that it wasn't nearly as often anymore, so it was a nice reunion for Erin. Just add that to the list of things/people from Chicago that she missed.

"So it's Thanksgiving Eve…" Erin began as she drove them back to Jay's from the gym, having already stolen his keys.

"It is…" Jay agreed, raising his eyebrows as he looked over at Erin to see where she was going with this.

"Is the unit going to Molly's tonight?" she asked, out of genuine curiosity. She wasn't trying to fish for an invite, and she definitely didn't expect one, but she wanted Jay to have the chance to go out with his friends.

Jay shrugged. "I'm not sure,"

"You should see if they are, you should go. I feel like I'm hogging you,"

Jay shook his head. "You're not hogging me, Erin. I'd rather be at home with you than at a bar with them anyway. I only have you for a few more days until New York calls,"

Erin sighed as the conversation took _that_ turn. "I told you, Jay, you have me for as long as you need me. You should go see your friends,"

"No, Erin," Jay said, rougher than he'd intended to. "Besides, I already made plans for us tonight,"

"What?" Erin asked, a look of pure shock and confusion on her face.

"Reservations at Purple Pig at 9," Jay said meekly, suddenly feeling like he should've asked her permission before he made the call.

Erin's face lit up at his admission, and the uneasiness inside of him quickly cleared. "No way! I've literally been craving truffles for six months. You're the best,"

Jay chuckled. "I hope 9 isn't too late, but I have that veteran's group tonight and wasn't sure what time it would be over-"

"You still go to group?" Erin asked, turning towards him with a look of pure pride on her face.

"No… I mean I haven't gone in six months… but I figured tonight was as good of a time as any to restart, right?" He looked over to Erin sheepishly.

"Right," Erin smiled widely, taking a hand off of the wheel to reach over and squeeze Jay's arm in support. "I'm proud of you."

"I couldn't do it without you, Erin. Literally," Jay shook his head.

"Jay, you _are_ doing it by yourself. This is all you. You just needed a little push. Don't sell yourself short, okay?" Erin squeezed his arm again before returning both hands to the steering wheel to turn into his apartment's lot.

Jay just nodded as he watched Erin park the car in front of his building, not trusting his voice. Even if he didn't think he deserved it, he would never, ever get tired of hearing Erin Lindsay say she was proud of him.

Jay went to his support group that night and shared more than he had in a long time. He explained his guilt, and his nightmares, and his regrets, and nearly everything that had happened in the last six months of his life. He left feeling free, in a way, and smiled at the sight of Erin parked across the street to pick him up. Then they went to the Pig, where they'd eaten far too many truffles and lemon bars as he told her all about group. Thinking back on it, Jay had shared more about his feelings with Erin in the last 3 days than he had in the entire time they were dating. He regretted that, not being more open with her. He knew she could have helped him, but he didn't want her to pity him. She didn't have to deal with his problems on top of her own. But how that he had begun to share with her, he couldn't stop. He didn't _want_ to stop. The past 72 hours felt like they had turned him into a new person. He could feel himself slipping down the rabbit hole at the thought of her returning to New York, though. He quickly blocked that thought out of his mind, as he did every other time it appeared during the past few days, determined to enjoy the time he had left with her.

xo

"I'm so nervous. Why am I so nervous?" Erin rambled on as she zipped up her jacket.

"Erin, calm down," Jay said with a laugh for what felt like the hundredth time that day. "It's just the unit. You have no idea how excited they're going to be to see you. Everyone misses you,"

"I know… I just… they should be mad at me. You should all be mad at me," Erin sighed.

"Hey," Jay walked around the counter to where Erin stood and placed his hands on her shoulders. "No one is going to be mad at you. Maybe a little hurt, but their happiness to see you is going to overpower every negative emotion. You did what you had to do, Er, and whether you want to explain that to them is up to you. But I promise you, you have nothing to be nervous about."

"You're the best. You know that, right?" Erin smiled up at him.

"I've been told," Jay said with a smirk, and Erin's smile widened at how much more like himself he had been acting as her time here went on. "Are you ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," she sighed, reaching behind her on the counter to grab the pumpkin pie they'd bought to bring to Voight's with them for Thanksgiving dessert. "I'm driving."

Jay just rolled his eyes as he handed her _his_ keys and followed her out the door and to his car. They got stuck in Thanksgiving traffic, of course, but within a half hour, they pulled up to Voight's house. The street was already aligned with cars, and Erin scanned the license plates to conclude that every member of the unit was already inside.

"It's gonna be fine," Jay reassured her as he got out of the car and walked around to the driver's side to open Erin's door.

Erin just smiled up at him weakly as she led the way up Voight's driveway and to his front door. She knocked once before letting herself and Jay in, knowing Voight had the door unlocked for his guests.

Before she even had one foot in the door, she heard Burgess' voice. "ERIN!"

Erin was glad Jay was holding the pie because Kim barreled into her, engulfing her in a bear hug. "I missed you so much," the young officer said into Erin's neck as she hugged her old friend.

"Kim," Erin breathed, squeezing her closest friend back. She hadn't realized just how much she'd missed her until right now. "I missed you more,"

Burgess gave Erin one more squeeze then let go, revealing Alvin standing right behind her, waiting for his turn to hug the girl he considered his niece.

"Al," Erin said shakily, wrapping her arms around the older man's neck. "It's so good to see you,"

"You look great, kid," Olinsky patted her back before moving on to check on Jay, who was still standing behind Erin, taking in the unit's excitement to see his old partner with a smile on his face.

"Aunt Erin!" A squeal and little footsteps came running down the hall, and Eva Dawson jumped into Erin's arms.

"Hey, sweet girl!" Erin lifted the young girl on her hip, surprised but elated to see her at the celebration. "I've missed you,"

"I missed you more!" Eva wrapped her arms around Erin's neck as Erin continued to walk down the hall to see who was in Voight's kitchen.

"Daddy!" Eva called from her spot on Erin's hip. "Look who came home!"

Erin's eyes filled with tears at that word again – _home._ But she blinked them back and put Eva down on the ground to envelope Antonio in a hug. "Hey, Tonio. I missed you,"

"You have no idea how good it is to see you, Linds," the older detective pressed a kiss to her cheek as Diego scampered down the stairs and wrapped his arms around Erin's legs.

"Hey, buddy," Erin smiled as she reached town to tousle the young boy's hair. "It's good to see you!"

"Well if it isn't New York's finest detective!" Another voice rang through the room and Erin turned to see Ruzek entering from the living room.

"Adam," Erin smiled as she stepped forward to hug the goofy officer that she considered one of her little brothers.

"I'm really glad you're here, Linds. We all are," he whispered into her ear in a rare moment of sincerity, and Erin just nodded against him.

"Ruz, stop hogging her!" Atwater's voice was heard next, and Erin let out a laugh despite the tears in her eyes.

"Hey, Kev," Erin turned away from Adam as Kevin engulfed her.

"How've you been, Lindsay?" Atwater asked.

"It's been hard… but I'm good now," she smiled up at him, and Kevin knew exactly what she meant.

"Erin," she felt a hand touch her shoulder, and turned to come face to face with Hailey Upton.

Wordlessly, Erin reached forward and hugged the younger woman tight. "Thank you. Thank you so much," she whispered into the blonde's ear.

"Thank _you_ for being such a good partner. He looks better than I've ever seen him," Hailey whispered back, comfortingly rubbing a hand up Erin's back.

"Thank you for taking care of him until I could," Erin smiled as she pulled back. She opened her mouth to speak again but was pulled away by Voight.

"Happy Thanksgiving, kid," he pulled Erin in for a hug.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Hank," she smiled. "Thank you for the invite. It's… it's really good to be home,"

"We're happy to have you home," Hank placed a kiss on her forehead, then walked away to tend to the food on the stove, leaving her alone for the first time.

"Wasn't so bad, was it?" a voice asked, and Erin turned to see Jay walking towards her with a beer bottle in each hand. He handed one to her as he smiled down at her.

"Thank you," Erin smiled back as she brought the beer bottle up to her lips and took a long sip. "I didn't realize how much I missed everyone,"

"Not as bad as we missed you, Er. Seriously," Jay slung an arm around her shoulder and the two of them walked into the living room together to see what football game Ruzek and Atwater had playing on the TV.

After the initial rush of greetings, Erin had the time to have a real conversation with every member of her old unit. She learned all about Burgess' new man, and how Al and Meredith were finally getting back on track after Lexi's tragic death. Antonio explained to her how he found himself back in Intelligence and his custody battle had finally ended in his favor, landing him with his two kids the majority of the time. Ruzek and Atwater filled her in on every possible embarrassing story about Jay from the past six months, and even Upton shared some stories with her. By the time Hank entered the living room to call everyone into the dining room for dinner, her heart was so full that she thought it was going to burst.

As Erin took a seat between Jay and Kim, she took a second to look around the table. The amazing humans in this room with her meant more than she could ever put into words. They were her family. They had all accepted her the second that she had met each of them, never questioning her rash decisions or allegiance to Voight or occasional questionable choices. They wanted the best for her, no matter what. They came to her for advice, and offered her advice in return. Some of them had quite literally saved her life. Multiple times. She had done them all so wrong, many times, but they kept showing up for her. She loved each and every one of them in a way she thought she would never be able to love anyone. She watched Al pour Kim a glass of wine, and Ruzek scoop a spoonful of mashed potatoes on to Eva's plate, and Atwater help Diego open his soda can. She turned around to see Upton helping Voight carrying trays into the dining room, and watched Antonio crack a joke under his breath resulting in belly laughs from Atwater and Kim. She heard Eva whisper to her Uncle Adam that she loved him and watched Jay playfully throw a dinner roll down to Diego at the other end of the table. Everyone had these huge smiles on their faces, and there was genuine laughter to be heard no matter where Erin focused her attention. As Voight took his seat at the head of the table with a rare smile on his face, a realization hit her. She couldn't leave this place. She couldn't leave these people. Not again.

She stood quickly from the table, excusing herself quietly as she nearly ran into the bathroom, pulling her cell phone out of her back pocket before she could chicken out. She took a deep breath and punched in her passcode, her thumb hovering over her FBI boss' name. This was not an appropriate time to call your boss. Especially to quit your damn job. Not only was it after hours, it was Thanksgiving. And Erin hadn't shown up to work in nearly a week. But this had to be done. Erin took a deep breath as she clicked the contact and brought her phone up to her ear.

"Agent Lindsay?" Her boss, Cassidy, answered, clearly confused.

"Hi, Agent Cassidy," she said shakily.

"Is everything okay?" The older man asked sincerely and Erin _almost_ felt bad about what she was about to do.

"Yes… no. I, um, the emergency in Chicago that I came home for… I can't leave," she spit out, her voice still shaky.

"What do you mean, agent?"

"I… what I'm trying to say, sir, is that I'm stepping down from my position. I can't work in New York anymore. I quit," she spit out in one breath, terrified for her boss' reaction.

"I've been waiting for this phone call," Cassidy said with a chuckle.

"You've… what?" Erin's jaw dropped. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm a trained FBI agent, Lindsay. I know you weren't happy here." Cassidy said with a sigh. He'd been waiting for the day that he lost one of his best agents, way too soon after he first got her.

"I'm sorry," Erin said weakly.

"I understand, Erin. Your family is in Chicago,"

"Thank you, sir," Erin sighed.

"Have a great Thanksgiving, Lindsay. We'll be in touch." With that, her now ex-boss hung up. She wasn't exactly sure what he meant when he said he'd be in touch, but Erin couldn't even think about it right now. She was staying in Chicago. With her family. With Jay.

Erin breathed a sigh of relief as she returned her phone to her pocket and unlocked the bathroom door and stepped into Hank's hallway, nearly walking right into Jay's chest.

"Are you okay? You ran out of there pretty fast," he asked, grabbing onto her arms to steady her.

"Yeah," Erin took a deep breath as she looked up to meet Jay's eyes, placing her own hands on his arms. "I just quit my job."

"What?" Jay asked, his face dropping as he stared into her eyes.

"I… I can't leave Chicago again. I was just sitting in there, surrounded by all of the people I love most in the world, and I realized that I can't leave Hank, and the unit, and you. I can't leave you again," Erin shook her head as her eyes began to glaze over with tears at the thought.

"Are you serious?" Jay asked, tightening his hold around her body.

Erin nodded. She opened her mouth to speak, to justify her decision further, but before she could get a word out, Jay's lips were on hers. It was a slow kiss, the gentlest kiss Erin had ever received. It was full of emotion, and everything else that had been bottled up for the past six months. Erin was afraid to pull away and open her eyes, she felt like she was under a spell that could be broken any minute. It was too perfect.

It wasn't until Jay's lungs were screaming, begging for air that he ceased his assault on Erin's lips. The second he pulled away, he went back to peck them one more time, then her nose, then her forehead.

"Say something," he whispered once her eyes fluttered open.

"I love you," she whispered back. "I love you and I'm never leaving again,"

Jay pulled her in for a hug at her words, a few stray tears rolling down his cheeks as his heart nearly exploded with happiness. He hadn't felt whole in as long as he could remember, but he was pretty sure that his heart had just doubled in size. He didn't know where they stood right now. He didn't know what the hell Erin was going to do in Chicago without a job. He knew that he still had a lot of feelings to battle through, and that she did too. He knew that he was nowhere near finished with his recovery from the past few months, and that he would never be completely cured. But having someone holding your hand while you trekked through the muddy waters and tried to find your way? That was what made all the difference.

"I love you," he whispered into her hair. "So much."

"No running away this time, okay? That goes for both of us," she murmured into his chest.

"Oh, definitely," Jay pressed a kiss into her hair.

Erin squeezed him one more time before pulling back. She pecked his lips one more time. "Let's go eat," she said with a smile, grabbing his hand and leading him back down the hallway to the dining room to celebrate with the rest of their family.


End file.
